10th.

Of all the previous posts that I’ve written – in the majority of them I’ve felt bad about myself, and wondered if something is wrong with me. For my two last post I’ve felt tremendously good about myself. To be short, I’ve been on a emotional roller coaster (I still sleep good every night though).

But it has been a long time since I’ve been at this “neutral” stage. That does NOT mean I am happy/not happy at the moment. I am simply saying I do not feel any strong emotions right now.

That sparked an idea in my head. I should self reflect about me and my behavior because I am at my most rational stage.

The topic I’ve decided to write about is being UPFRONT. That has always been an issue for me whereas I am not upfront to people around me. I’ve never thought of why that could be. I am ashamed of who I really am? Do I try to live up an unrealistic ideal of who I should be – and when I don’t; I stop being upfront/honest and lie instead to cover my ass? I don’t know. It’s a hard nut to break.

I can’t really tell, I can’t. But I am tilting towards the conclusion that I am ashamed maybe. That I feel people have X expectation to me and when I don’t live up that X expectation; I get ashamed. I am not saying I am ashamed of who I am but how I am. That’s a key difference. I actually get ashamed. And since I get ashamed, my “go to” behavior is to try to cover my ass – which involve a “white lie”. I do that because then I have a “reason” to why I didn’t live up to his/hers expectations. However, over time .. It drains you .. Lying to people you care and love. It’s not nice. It kills you inside over time.

Yesterday, I was upfront with Cypress about something (I won’t go into details – but nothing bad). I’ve had it carried on my shoulders for a week and I “manned up” to tell her. It’s nothing wrong with her, but I thought maybe she would react bad? I was maybe afraid? I shouldn’t have felt that at all, because it turned out great. I started to cry when I told her about it but she said it was “fine =)” while smiling – and I was crying! Manning up real hard in other words. Haha, but I’ve to say that I felt great after I was upfront with her. It made my day. It was also an important step for me about being upfront. That’s a trait I desire to have but it’s hard to live up to! Somethings just suck about being upfront with, it does – but seriously … In my experience … Some major fights happen because I am not upfront; It’s actually worse to not be I have found out.

I am actually just very proud of myself right now because of yesterday 🙂 The greatest aspect of being upfront with people around you is that it build trust. Trust is necessary in all relationship that you may have. I have found this out the hard way and hence, yes, I manned up for a week to tell her – but I am proud of me for how I went about it. I feel much more “sure” about Cypress and me after it. I don’t know why. It raised me really much! 😀

Anyway … I am feeling very fine. I regret not finishing up the blog post yesterday because I went to bed thinking all these different thoughts about everything and nothing. I had problem sleeping because of that, but it has been a good day. Ok day at work, killed it at the gym, and soon I am going to talk to Cypress. I am very much looking forward to that. The day will only get better =)

In short, I am feeling very fine. Feeling happy 🙂

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