Yesterday my heart got stabbed my a knife. Emotionally speaking.
Yesterday, I heard from Cypress – the one I have chosen as my partner in this journey of … life. That she don’t want to get married to me. She said that after she attented a wedding to one of her best friends, where she thought ‘This is it. This is the one for her’. Given that and the circumstances in our relationship it relased anxiety, fears, and tears.
She is not certain about me. I cannot blame her. I haven’t been the best person either in this relationship. But as I wrote yesterday on the 17th., I have changed – and she knows it too. She’s afraid that if we get married, she will one day find on my laptop that I have x amounts of ‘girls’ there. Based on that, she uttered the words ‘I don’t want to get married to you’ but also it’s a distinction between the person you date and who you settle down for. Right now she view me as the first, whereas I view her as the latter in our relationship.
… That hurted. As hell. I couldn’t sleep good all night. I had that back on my mind for many hours after she told me that. If I could only go back in time and change my behavior and … How I was. I would do anything for that. I wish it was something that I could do for her that made her sure of me. I am trying my best to make her sure about me. I really am. I hope that she one day will recognize how badly I want us. To make this work.
I hope that we will be able to one day … Be together. I love you more than anything else on this earth. Thank you for opening up for me yesterday.