7th.


To be in a relationship is not only happy days. It’s also moments where you doubt your partner especially after severe moments where the trust is broken and he doesn’t live up to your expectations. In this blog post, I am describing a couple which the trust have been broken and over period of time continuously gets broken. It’s always the same person who breaks the trust and it’s always the same “issue”.

Your first reaction, looking outside of this relationship, is usually “dump him” or “leave her”. Maybe it’s in your best (Short-term) interest too. After the first time, you’re scattered. Left to pieces. Your cat is extra loving because she see that you’re in pain. All of your friends tell you to leave him. We work things out. But “boom”. It happens again. I broke your trust. We fight. We may block each other from social media. But you stayed. You stayed. You’re still here. Thank you for that. Your head is filled with more questions than answers and you have never experienced this anger nor pain towards me. If it only happend one time, then “ok”, but it happend one more time. You have over time, little by little, left this relationship. I have noticed that. I have.

I wished I didn’t do it. I do. Not just the first time but also the third. I know your history. You had problems with other men before whom broke your trust. It’s nothing more sad and hurtful to see you cry and in pain. What’s even worse is that I am the cause of your tears. You ask me “Why?!”. You asked me that many times before. We’ve been here before. This isn’t the first time I broke your trust. You’ve rebuilded it over time. Only for me to break it again. Life is meaningless.

You scream out of pain “WHY?!”. Your eyes are teary. Your nose is running. I am sitting there, comfortable, ashamed of myself. Thinking what an idiot I am. Why would I? Even I cannot answer that. Seeing you in this state also makes me sad. I start to cry too. I ask for forgiveness. You forgive but never forget.

But the question still goes unanswered. I’ve tried my best. I have. I put all my effort and time to make this work. Without recognition. You start to think the problem is with you or me. But maybe the problem is “us”? Was the problem maybe from the start of our relationship? I remember one thing that you don’t. When we were in our first phase of our relationship, you went out with another person, it broke me. It left me with scars. Scars that I can’t recover from. I have forgiven you, but the pain is still there. I know we weren’t as offical as today nor committed. We haven’t had the talk about “us” then.

You dream back to our glory days of our relationship but I have no recollection that. Yes, we had many good times and “firsts”. It was the first time in my life that I invited a woman to dine with me at a resturant or went to the cinema with. Those memories will always be treasured deep in my heart. I think the problem of me breaking your trust goes back from the start. My trust was broken then and it, unfortunently, set the foundation of our relationship.

Of course, I cannot blame everything on that event. We are two individuals in this relationship. I have also a fair share of the burden. The majority of the issues is with me. I am simply telling you that our foundation weren’t the best.

To answer your question, my dear. I wasn’t mature enough from the start. I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. I wasn’t. The night is beautiful, you’re like the night, and I am a winner again. It’s not that I want another person to be with. The issues are not because I wanted somebody else. I wasn’t mature enough. I have grown much in our relationship. We both have noticed that. The “incidents” have occured less and less over time. We’ve had different expectations to each other. With different degree of trust. Different opinions of what’s acceptable in a relationship. We haven’t been aligned. I’ve tried to live up to your expectations but honey .. It’s hard. I want to be with you. Can’t you see? If not, then I am sorry that I haven’t showed it enough. But believe me when I say to you – that I only want to be with you. We didn’t have the greatest foundation in our relationship, I wasn’t mature enough, and we haven’t been aligned. What can I do to regain your trust? Can we work on our foundation of our relationship? Please, tell me.

I am sorry for all the time I’ve broken your trust. All the pain. All the tears. I am thankful for all of your effort in the relationship. It haven’t gone under the radar. I have noticed that you gave it all. I am sorry that it turned out like this. I love you – and I will always love you. You’re the love of my life. Thank you.

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